should i be having some sort of crisis? or is it cool to just be, you know, fine?
somehow this is supposed to be a very precarious time, with past choices starting to weigh me down and future choices being made by virtue of frantic pounding of the O MAH GAHD THERE’S JUST NOT ENOUGH TIME apocalypse panic button.
and yet i feel almost completely unaffected.
almost, because i did recently shave my head and buy around 30 bottles of nailpolish. so that might be a sign of something.
also, does it mean something that i painted the boy’s nails and not my own?
but life just doesn’t feel as fleeting as it should. it doesn’t feel like it’s the absolute last chance for me to sit down RIGHT NOW and evaluate EVERYTHING and change EVERYTHING because in a year or two IT WILL BE TOO LATE.
what a load of bullshit that is, anyway.
if i’m perfectly content with sitting here and watching looney tunes in my underwear and having week-old cupcakes for breakfast, why should i feel like i should change anything? is god going to strike me down if i don’t start taking life seriously right now? or is he more likely to sit down with me and eat tacos and go KILL THE WABBIT KILL THE WABBIT like any bearded dude wearing sandals and a bathrobe on a monday morning?
the only revelation, nay, epiphany here is that i feel like i’m on the verge of finally growing enough balls to be my own person. someone who is quite capable of determining whether or not turning 30 is something to get said balls tangled into a twist over. someone who is quite fine with not starting to churn out babies and irreversable life choices just because a certain arbitrary milestone has been reached.
all i want to do right now is eat those goddamn tacos and celebrate the fact that i’ve gotten this far – and eventually, see how much further i’ll get.
pretty pompous, huh?
The main thing about the 30 crisis, I think, is the undeniable fact that one’s fertile lifespan takes a turn for the worse right about that time. Which, you know, is completely fine to ignore if that’s not your cup of tea. But yeah, it can be startling to be faced with the finality of it. Most things in life you can achieve even when you’re old and grey, but kiddos ain’t one.
By the way, I’m a 32-year-old mother of one, and Looney Tunes with week-old cupcakes sound like my perfect Sunday. Life should never be taken seriously when it’s not necessary.
it just seems the whole thing is very much externally propagated. i don’t feel the effects of it within me, i only sense that i somehow should. i’ve known for 15 years that kids aren’t my thing so i don’t feel the immediacy of an impending doom. but obviously the hilarious part is that the fact that i spend so much time trying to convince myself that there is no crisis, IS THE CRISIS. BRAIN MELTDOWN COMMENCING IN THREE TWO ONE.